Closure through Ceremony by Emily VanLaeys, Celebrant

     

       Now that we're in our sixties a day rarely goes by that we don't see someone our age or younger in the obituaries of our small town newspaper. Mark's mom died at 80 and his dad at 87. My parents, both 90, are still alive, so longevity is in our genes. But we can't help noticing how people our age (and younger) seem to be dropping like flies. And so, we're starting to think about the kind of memorial service we want to request at the time of our demise.

       Recently I mentioned this to my sister-in-law who responded: "I won't care what my memorial service will be like. I'll be dead."

       I guess a lot of people feel that way, but whenever I attend a funeral I can't help thinking about the parts I do and don't like and how I want it to be different when I die. Maybe it's because I'm a life-cycle celebrant, and meaningful rituals and ceremony are important to me. 

       Most of the church funerals I attend are pretty similar. The minister will read verses from the Bible to remind us that our loved one has been taken into heaven to live with Jesus. Hymns are sung, prayers are said, and often Communion is shared. The service seems to be more about the Christian faith than it is about the person whose life we want to celebrate. Sometimes the minister's address will include stories from his or her own experiences with death rather than stories about our departed friend. Then there is (usually) a time set aside for family and friends to share memories of the deceased. Sometimes this is the only personal part of the service and it may be long or short depending on how talkative the participants are.

       The services I have attended at funeral homes are similar to a church service although usually shorter. In both cases the life and personality of the departed is usually honored more at the reception than during the ceremony. Photographs and treasured mementos are often displayed for mourners to look at while they sip coffee and nibble on cookies.

       Sometimes people request that there not be any calling hours or funeral after they die. I believe this request robs their loved ones of the closure that a ceremony provides. However, if the ceremony doesn't focus on the life of their loved one, it may not provide sufficient closure anyway. I remember attending the funeral of a neighbor who died at the age of 42, leaving two young boys behind. One of the boys spoke briefly during the service, but most of it had absolutely nothing to do with my friend. When the pallbearers carried her coffin out of the church I felt like screaming: "NO! Wait! You haven't honored her life yet. It can't be over!"

       I think that nearly everyone has different beliefs about death and what happens after we die. That's why using the same words for every funeral doesn't feel right to me. A memorial service or celebration of life should reflect the personality and beliefs of the person being honored. This can be done if the celebrant takes the time to talk to the family, learn about the interests and beliefs of the deceased, and weave them into a story to share at the ceremony. Rituals can include candles to symbolize the person's spirit, mementos shared by loved ones during the ceremony, or in the Native American tradition, breaking a cup to symbolize the release of the person's spirit. These are just a few examples of different ways to honor a loved one, but the possibilities are endless once we start thinking outside the box. 

       I am still considering ideas for my own service, such as music and poetry that reflects my beliefs about life - the one I'm experiencing now, and the one that lies ahead. I understand why a lot of people just want to focus on the here and now, and not concern themselves with what will happen when they're gone. But I do believe you'll do your loved ones a favor by leaving them some ideas for a ceremony that will help them feel that your life was honored when it's time to say farewell. 

Emily VanLaeys is a certified life-cycle celebrant in Oneonta, New York. She provides end-of-life ceremonies throughout New York State.